


One Hundred And Ten Milligrams

by Souliebird



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: 707 Route Spoilers, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Freeform, Spoilers, What-If
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:04:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Souliebird/pseuds/Souliebird
Summary: He's so busy trying to protect her, he doesn't realize she already is in danger.





	1. 40 mg

**Author's Note:**

> How can I make an angsty situation more angsty while being canon complaint, is what I ask myself late at night. 
> 
> Also I don't know what this writing style is I went with the flow.

He can't help but watch her. Part of him knows it is because he is worried about her, about the RFA; he feels like a storm in coming. He ignores that part, pushes it down because he knows better, and tells himself it is because she is a curious creature and he is intrigued. 

She seems to avoid the bedroom at all costs. He doesn't understand why. She fishes around the linen closet until she finds a spare comforter and pillow and makes camp on the couch. She changes out all the towels in the bathroom, which he only knows because he sees her carry out the old ones into the hallway. There isn't a camera in the bathroom or the bedroom, though there are microphones. They are both muted.

He knows she doesn't have much to do in the apartment; Rika lacked any sort of game systems and the computer is off limits, but he is surprised how she keeps herself busy. She thoroughly washes every dish in the kitchen, something he really doesn't understand. They were clean to begin with. 

She spends a lot of time on her phone, chatting with other members, with him when he graces the chatroom with his presence. It doesn't take her long to become friends with everyone. She sympathizes with Jaehee, but is practical with Jumin. She is the only one who cares about Yoosung’s LOLOL adventures, even though she has never played, but she encourages him to study as well. He actually listens to her. She flirts with Zen, let's him be self absorbed, but then teases him mercilessly about his cat allergy. 

And with him, oh with him. She's never a step behind him. Any joke she is automatically in on, she calls him God Seven, and Captain, but, she's so damn caring. Is he okay, is he eating enough, did he sleep? He doesn't know how to handle it at times. And he is man enough to admit he has made up an excuse to leave the chat when he finds himself smiling too much because of her. 

He knows. He hates it. 

He watches her. 

He about has a heart attack the first time she leaves the apartment. He can't fault her; there is no food there and it isn't like she can order in. He follows her through security cameras, even when Vanderwood yells at him. She goes to a few shops, buying food and things he never would have considered; like a toothbrush. She buys cheap clothes and he can't understand the look of dread as she leaves the store. 

She stops in front of a pharmacy, lingering for a minute, but doesn't go in. There are so many people walking by her, he nearly misses when she puts her hand over her heart and bites her lip. He's confused again, but she's shaking her head and is walking away before he can consider calling her to ask if she is okay. 

She gets home safely. He feels like he can actually breathe when she closes and locks the door. 

He's amazed when she starts inspecting the house for intruders. He doesn't know what she could do if she even found one, but he finds it cute, her walking around with a frying pan ready to hit someone. He's tempted to call her phone to scare her, but decides against it. He's not that mean. To her, anyways. 

He's not surprised to find she's meticulous when unpacking. She finds a spot for everything without causing any alarms to go off. Except the clothes she bought.

She folds them and keeps them on the table. 

He doesn't understand why she doesn't hang them up or put them in the bedroom. He's finding there are a lot of things he doesn't understand about her. 

He's finally able to get back to work when she settles down on the couch and starts to read a book she bought. 

He leaves the rest of the watching for the night to Vanderwood, but he can't help but glance over the screen every few minutes. Just in case. 

Even when she sleeps.

It goes on for two more days, looking at the CCTV when he is supposed to be working. He can't help it. He wants to know everything about her, and not things he can look up on his computer. He wants to know who she is as a person. 

He learns she hates to be cold, she drags the comforter around the house like she is wearing a cape. He learns she loves to read, and she reads quickly. She finishes three books in two days. Sometimes she sits on the couch upside down, her head dangling from the cushions and her feet on the back when she does watch television. He learns she listens to music while she works or cleans, though he can't figure out why she cleans so much. It must be boredom.

He's upset to learn she lies about eating. It happens on the third day. Everyone asks her if she has eaten, as they do, and she replies politely that she has. She hasn't. She’s only gotten up from the couch to go to the bathroom and to get a glass of water. He wants to scold her, tell her to eat, but he thinks, maybe she has eaten when he wasn't watching. He tries to ask Vanderwood, but she's mad at him and ignores him. 

When she goes to bed that night, he notices that there are no dishes in the sink, clean or dirty. 

His work suffers because his mood is sour. 

Her phones wakes her six hours later and he wonders if it is an alarm or someone calling. She looks angry either way and hits the power button to silence the device. He wants to know what made her so upset, but Vanderwood is standing over his shoulder. He goes back to work. 

The day is uneventful, for the most part. He spends all of it working, for the agency and to track the hacker, and is able to actually concentrate when he sees her sit down for breakfast. 

The chat is more active than it has been in a very long time. All because of her. 

They tease Jumin, but he can tell she feels for the heir in some way. The way she frowns at her phone after the director leaves the chat, the way she talks softly to him over the phone. It's different then how she talks to him. He thinks he might be jealous, but he knows she talks to them all differently. 

Plus her eyes light up whenever it's his name that pops up on her screen. Not Jumin’s. 

He can't help but wonder if the conversation about religion upset her. She seems strange after, her knees brought up to her chest, a frown on her face. She puts her hand over her heart and squeezes her oversized shirt. 

She calls someone. Someone not in the RFA. He wants so badly in invade her privacy, to trace the call, to listen in, but he doesn't. He wants to respect her. 

He knows she can't just have gone mia from the real world, so he keeps her phone open, just in case. She doesn't have a job or go to school, but other people could still notice she is gone and try to contact her. She has never texted or called anyone outside the RFA before and he is so curious as to who she is contacting after four days of being in their world.

She hides her face in her knees as she talks, so he can't see her expression. Her body language doesn't look any better, though. 

After the call, she burrows into the blanket and takes a nap. He wants to call, but she needs rest, and he needs to work. 

She stays curled up for the rest of the night. He only knows she is awake because she is in the chat. She's her usual self in the messenger, laughing and teasing and he is glad to know whatever upset her before is gone. 

She doesn't look happy when V tells them the date of the party. She actually sits up from her little blanket burrito and scowls at the phone. She doesn't let it show in the chat, she's polite as ever to V and he respects that she is handling her emotions well. One week puts a lot of pressure on her. 

The messenger is hacked. It can't be by the same person as before, he tells himself. Tries to convince himself. Because if it is the same person, they are in danger. 

She's in so much danger.

He throws himself into looking into the RFA’s problems. The agency can wait. Vanderwood is annoyed, but seems to realize even if she threatens him, he's not going to listen to her. She settles in front of the CCTV with a bag of chips, instead. 

They are quite, for the most part. He mumbles things to himself as he works, but that is nothing new, and Vanderwood ignores it. He almost misses when she sets her food aside and leans towards the CCTV with interest. 

“What?”

She ignores him. As he moves towards her, she kicks his chair back into place.

“It's nothing.”

“Tell me.” 

He's getting up, moving to see the screen, since Vanderwood has moved it to better suit her.

“It's nothing. She's just crying.” 

His heart stops. Then breaks. He rushes to see the screen, panic filling him.

Crying is an understatement.

She is sobbing.

She's on the ground, on her knees, half way to the hallway from the couch, head in her hands sobbing. Her shoulders are shaking and he knew, if he turned on the mic, her crying would echo in his mind forever. 

“What happened?!” He demands. “Why is she crying?!”

“I don't know. She got up and just. Collapsed and started bawling.”

He scrambles for his phone, to call her, ask what is wrong, ask how can he fix it. He'll do anything for her, anything she asks, to have her stop crying. He'll fly to the moon and collect her real moon rocks if she wants it. He'll do anything.

Vanderwood knocks his phone from his hand.

“What the fuck?!”

“Don't. Don't call her.” Vanderwood sounds oddly serious and it throws him off a moment, giving her time to explain more. “Look, I know you won't trust me on this, but that isn't an ‘I want to talk’ cry. That's an ‘I need to get it all out’ cry. She probably forgot your watching and that will make it worse. Just let her tire herself out, it's what she needs.”

He's not sure he believes Vanderwood. But it makes sense.

He looks back to the screen.

He wants to call her. Everything in his being says to call her. His heart screams something is wrong, and he should go to her. 

Which means he shouldn't. He can’t be attached. 

He forces his heart back together and sits back at his computer. Vanderwood nods at him and he bites his lip and delves back into code. 

When he goes into the messenger to explain what happened, he's surprised to find her there, chatting with Jaehee like she isn't still hunched over on the floor. She is joking with him, keeping the mood light in the serious situation. 

He wants to go to her. She wants him to come. But he can't, and when he mentions the CCTV he sees her visibly tense. Had she forgotten? He's sure he mentioned it before, maybe not that he is always watching, even before the hacker attacked again, but he knows he talked about it. 

He pretends he hasn't set it up yet, for her sake. He watches as she pushes herself up and shuffles to the bathroom, presumably to clean herself up. 

When she comes out, she looks for the cameras. She finds most of them. She's good like that, and he's proud of her, even if he hates seeing how puffy her eyes are when she leans in close to every new camera she finds. 

She sleeps more and he works. He works until Vanderwood starts yelling at him that he has real work to do and he's forced to focus on his agency work.

He calls when he notices she is awake. He can't help it. Vanderwood has gone to get something from the kitchen and the timing is perfect. He apologizes for not keeping her safe, he rambles, and all she says is she trusts him. 

She trusts him. 

He'll work so hard to keep her safe. He'll give up everything for her. 

He makes up an excuse to hang up before Vanderwood returns and the other agent is annoyed. She threatens him with her taser if he doesn't get back to work. 

He still can't help but check into the messenger. She's there. They joke. He wants to look at the CCTV, to see if she is smiling again, but he can't. Vanderwood angled it away again because he kept looking. He gets hit in the back of the head when she catches him not working and he has to exit the chat.

When Vanderwood leaves, he is reaching for his phone and dialing her number without thinking of it. It's only been a few hours, but he needs to hear her voice. Her sweet soft voice. He needs to know she is okay.

He has no idea what to say to her, but she, of course, understands. Guides him into something acceptable. He can't see her, she's probably in the bathroom, but he won't let her know he knows about her aversion to the bedroom. 

She teases him, asks if he wants a special show and his. Mind. Stops. The cameras had been for safety and nothing like she was implying they were for. It has never crossed his mind. But she is giggling at him and he has to remember she is teasing. 

He's amazed at her ability to leave him flustered and hot. He wonders if he has that same affect on her. 

They talk about something safe. Safe for him, but he can't stop thinking about her teasing him. A special show, just for him. What would she do? Would she talk to him? He never wants to hang up the phone.

Those aren't safe thoughts and he moves the conversation to an end. 

He hates all the talk that goes on in the messenger. They shouldn't be guessing about him, about his feelings. About his feelings for her. 

She doesn't say much, makes neutral comments until she says he has denied feelings for her. He forces himself to not look at the CCTV. He doesn't want to see if she's hurting. 

Yoosung calls her. He doesn't listen in, even to her side. He's too busy, but not busy enough to look over and see her cute little pout as she listens carefully to their blonde friend. She nods along, looking thoughtful. When they hang up, she is smiling a little, and puts her headphones in.

He checks into the messenger a few hours later and she is there. He opens up to her, he can't help it. Then he turns around and tells her not to guess about him, even when she wants to know. It's safer that way. He can protect her that way. He starts babbling, his fingers typing all the words that come into his mind. She follows him, encourages him, like the angel she is. 

He stupidly says he can't stop thinking about her and bails out of the chat before he admits to more. 

He takes a quick shower, thinking that maybe he will try to get an hours sleep, more to clear his head than being tired.

He checks his computer when he gets back, sees that no one is in the chat. He checks the CCTV. She's not in the living room or kitchen. Her shoes are still by the door, so she hasn't gone anywhere. Not that he would expect her to at midnight. At least willingly. There is a light coming out from under the bathroom door. Maybe she had the same idea he did. 

He turns to head to bed when it starts. Music, some kind of pop. It's loud, but not coming from anything he is running. He looks to the CCTV.

His jaw drops. 

She is strutting out of the bathroom, dancing to the song. She's in little sleeping shorts that have been rolled to be shorter, and one of the big cheap t-shirts she bought, tied up to expose her pale stomach. Her hair is in two little buns and he can see she drew a little star under her left eye. 

She's mouthing the lyrics even though they are in English, eyes making direct contact with the camera. 

Is this for him? 

He sits in his chair and watches as her hips sway and she pantomimes the lyrics. His eyes keep going to the exposed skin above her shorts. He can see the dip of her hip bones. He wants to lick there.

He can tell she knows how to dance. She's got amazing control of her body. She can dip down into a crouch and push back up provocatively with little effort. He wonders what else she can do with that amazing body of hers. 

Her smile is infectious. He laughs when she does a cute little dramatic sashay to the end of the hallway like she is on some catwalk in Paris. She dances back towards the camera during the chorus and he wants to know if she planned all her moves or if she is doing what feels right.

She puts her a finger to her lips, the sign for a secret, and he makes the mental note to rewind the feed so he can get a screenshot of that. He's going to make it his phone background. He's glad he made the CCTV in high definition. 

She starts laughing as the song starts to come to a close and he is glad she is having fun. He certainly is. She twirls at the closing notes and dips into a curtsy. She bounces back up and blows a kiss to the camera. He greedily grabs for it and brings it to his lips. 

She's an angel. He's convinced of it. His angel.

Her phone starts ringing from where it is sitting beside the bathroom door and she runs to it, looking so excited. He hates that he isn't the one calling her. He hates that all the joy disappears from her face when she realizes that. She answers anyways, looking up at the camera, confusion and doubt in her eyes. 

He wants to tell her he saw her show. Her special show, just for him. He wants to tell her that she made him smile and laugh and that for three minutes and twenty one seconds, he forgot all of his troubles. The agency, the hacker, everything that has been weighing him down. 

It was just her and him.

It was perfect. 

He finds himself reaching out, touching the screen where she is. She looks up, like she senses it, her lips quirking into a smile.

She looks so beautiful when she smiles. 

She slips back into the bathroom, her free hand going up to clutch at the front of her shirt, her head ducked. 

He feels rejuvenated, like he can take on the world because she did something special for him. He doesn't know why she did it. He doesn't care. 

She did something just for him. He's never felt more special in his life, if he has ever felt special before. He doesn't think he has.  
He has to find a way to thank her. 

He can do it by protecting her.

He brings up where he left off in his hunt for the hacker, hoping he could focus with all the blood that was usually in his head somewhere else. 

He gets lost in his work quick enough. 

Time seems to pass in the blink of an eye. One moment it is before midnight the next it is almost three. He blinks at the clock in the corner of his screen because it can't be right, he hasn't gotten anything done.

“Seven.”

His head jerks up and he looks around, expecting to see Vanderwood. No one is around. 

“Seven. Are you there?”

He turns and sees her on the screen. 

She's going to be the death of him. He's going to get dizzy from the rushes of blood, fall over and hit his head and die. He'll die a happy man.

She's in the hallway again, staring up at the camera. Her hair is piled up in a bun and all the fun make up she was wearing earlier is gone. She's still so beautiful, even if she looks tired and pale. 

As far as he can tell, she's in just a towel. The top of her breasts are exposed and the towel ends on the higher side of mid thigh. He can see the elegant curve of her neck, the paleness of her shoulders. He can see how long her legs are. 

She shifts and he swears the towel is going to fall any moment. There is nothing holding it up but the way she tucked it into itself.

She brings a hand up and brushes some of her bangs away.

“Are you watching? I'm not sure if I want to know. It's late. I'm hoping you are asleep. Maybe you are missing this. But,” She taps a finger on her cheek. “God Seven sees everything. Right?” She smiles, but it looks sad. He doesn't know what to think. Should he respond? Does she want him to?

Maybe not in the traditional way. 

He makes the light on the camera blink. 

She blushes and ducks her head. Licks her lips. 

She looks up and he can't place the emotion in her eyes. He thinks she looks scared, and resigned, and Lord God Above she looks exhausted. How could he have not seen it before? All of this, it must be wearing on her. She is an innocent bystander in all of this mess and she is just accepting it all into her shoulders. Accepting it and listening others’ burdens and trying her best to help everyone. 

He hates himself for not pushing her away, for letting her join the RFA. 

“Will you protect me, God Seven Zero Seven? Keep me safe?”

His heart skips a beat.

“Yes.” He whispers to her, reaching up to touch his crucifix. He'll do anything to protect her, he swears it. Nothing else matters except her safety. He'll die to keep her safe. 

She lowers her head and chuckles. It breaks his heart. 

“Don't tell the others, okay? You have to promise. Pinky promise and everything. But I'll tell you. I trust you.” She places her hand over her heart. He mimics her. “I'm a little scared. But if you are watching over me, I feel safe. You won't let anything happen to me. I wish you were here. I don't like being alone like this.” She rocks on her heels. “I know you are busy, though. You are protecting us all, saving the world. Defender of Justice, Seven Zero Seven.” 

She smiles and it's genuine. She looks back to the camera and licks her lips again, before slowly turning. He's hypnotized by her actions, unable to look anywhere else.

His breath catches when she lowers the towel until it's draped around her hips, held up only by her hands. 

The expanse of her back is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. There are no flaws in the milky skin and he can just see the bumps of her spine. He wants to kiss down it. Bite down it.

He curls his hands into fists and prays for the strength to not touch himself.

She looks over her shoulder and she has the audacity to look innocent. He's over the moon.

“Is this the type of show you were thinking of before?” She lets the towel drop slightly so the small of her back is no longer covered. “It's not exactly PG-13, though. Or was that the point? Kids aren't listening now, are they?” She hikes the towel back up and ties it back around her chest before facing the camera again. “It's better to be safe than sorry, I suppose.”

She's a damn tease and she knows it and he doesn't mind one damn bit. He's in too deep but for now he doesn't care.

All that matters is her.

“Seven,” She puts a finger to her lips and, yes he's going to screenshot that as well and he might frame it above his bed. “Our secret, okay? All of this, it's for only this moment.” 

He nods, understanding. He won't ever tell the other members, he knows now she doesn't want them to worry. And he will go to his grave before telling anyone she put on a show for him. It's his blessing alone.

She yawns widely and it's so adorable it shatters the aura of sexual vixen she had around her. It does nothing to help his very prominent arousal, though.

She sways before shuffling back to the bathroom. She tosses the towel out into the hallway before closing the door.

He groans and stands. He definitely cannot focus now and needs another shower. 

He decides against taking a cold one. He won't let her show go to waste. 

When he gets back to his computer, feeling satisfied but dirty, she's curled up on the couch. She's bundled up and he swears she is asleep, until he sees the messenger is active. He tries, and fails, to not feel jealous that she is talking to Zen. He hates himself for it.

He secretly watches the chat, worrying about how she is responding. There is no joking, she seems withdrawn, talking in short sentences, with so many ellipses. He prays that she is just tired and it's not left over emotion from earlier. 

He wants her to feel safe and to be happy.

He's so much more motivated. He's going to find this damn hacker and now he has another clue with the email. Well, he'll have another clue when he actually gets the email. He does not actually have it, someone has to forward it to him. But he just has the feeling that the email and the hacker are connected. Especially considering he set up a little program to keep Jaehee from getting spam emails, sending them all to Zen instead. 

He works with his head down until his computer chirps at him, telling him someone has started a new chat in the messenger. It's her. He checks the time with a frown. It hasn't been that long since she's gone to sleep.

He joins the chat, makes the effort to seem as joyous as she had made him feel the night before. He sends a picture of himself, and can't help but smile when he is informed she saves it to her phone. 

He goes back and forth with Jumin and he looks to the CCTV, frowning when he sees she's still curled on the couch.

He sees her stiffen under the blankets when Jumin all but tells him to go be with her at the apartment to protect her. 

She peeks her head out from where it is hidden under the blanket, and looks up to the camera. He can't read her expression, but if he goes off what is said in the chat, she wants him to go.

He wants to go to her so badly. To lay down on that little couch and make sure she actually eats something. To hear that sweet voice in person and not through the phone. 

He runs from the chat before he can admit it because he can't go to her. He can't hurt her like that, put her in danger like that. In the chat, on the phone it can be a game. Once it is in person it it real and he can't protect her from himself.

Vanderwood appears behind him and tells him how it is. She knocks sense into him, tells him what he doesn't want to hear. He has to focus on his work for the agency or they will kill him. It isn't an empty threat. He's seen it happen.

He has to be alive to protect the RFA. He has to be alive to protect her. 

He has this disgusting anxious feeling in his stomach that something is wrong, that it's going to get worse. 

He digs the heels of his hands into his eyes for a moment, then looks to the screen. He can hear the murmur of her talking, just barely because she's back to hiding under the covers. 

He grits his teeth and throws himself into it. When Vanderwood returns, she turns the CCTV away from him, and he's angry and grateful at the same time. 

He gets the chance to go outside, not for anything fun. He has to climb a tree to replace the battery of a camera. Nothing fun at all, he hates climbing trees. 

He calls her as he walks the perimeter. She sounds tired. Small. Even when she teases him. He babbles, trying to make her smile or laugh, somehow ends up trying to direct her away from him. As he walks towards his tree, he asks her to say goodbye. She teases him again, but her voice is still off.

He gets back to his computer and feels like he is actually able to focus on the work for the agency. He thinks it's because he got fresh air. 

He's able to check a few things off his workload before his computer beeps at him, telling him it had finished tracking the email Jumin forwarded.

He creates a chatroom and she joins. The logs said she hasn't been in the last two chatrooms, so he can't but feel special. He jokes with Zen before he's asked about his work. He tells them the truth, that he had found the hacker, he'll go deal with it in person. She wants to come. Never in a million years is he going to bring her into the field like that. To put her into danger. 

Things go to hell when Vanderwood sees he is not working on his agency project. He wants to fight with her, tell her that yes, the RFA is more important than the agency but he doesn't want to die. 

He's so damn frustrated. 

Vanderwood leaves, and with her his will to even try to do agency work. He turns the CCTV back towards him and frowns when he sees her in the hallway outside of the apartment, coming back from somewhere.

Once she's inside, he calls her.

Her voice, still distant, soothes him. Soothes the anxiety and anger building in his chest. She doesn't talk much, simply responds to him, but it's enough. 

He watches as she puts a lining in the trash can and he suspects that was why she was outside. She fusses around the kitchen, not really doing anything, until he ends the call. He watches her put her phone to the side and lean down awkwardly to rest her head on the counter. He wants to call her back, ask if she is okay. He's been so selfish. But something tells him she won't talk about it anyways.

He wants to cheer her up, and since he can't be with her, he gets an idea. 

He finishes the cat bot as Vanderwood returns. She is pissed. She doesn't threaten him, not really. She does something worse, something that shakes him to the bone. She accuses him of having feelings, feelings for the girl on the CCTV and reminds him why he can't have those feelings. Reminds him if he gets caught, if his feelings get out, people will hurt her to get to him.

He grinds his teeth and walks away, he needs a moment. He hides in his bedroom and he's calling her before he realizes it.

He needs to hear her voice. Make sure she is okay. The only person he used to talk to on the phone with was V, and that was on rare occasions. This is his third time calling her in, what, twelve hours? He's lost track of time. 

It takes her a few seconds to answer and he starts rambling. He doesn't even know what he is saying. He just needs to talk, hear her breathing on the other side, to know she is safe.

When he admits how much he thinks about her, how much he looks forward to seeing her face, he knows he has fucked up. He bangs his head against the door, mumbles he shouldn't be doing this and ends the call. He feels like a jerk, she didn't even get to say goodbye. 

He's horrible. This is why he has to stay away. He'll just hurt her. He wishes he could be like Jumin and push the feelings down. 

He groans and bangs his head against the door a few more times, praying it will knock sense into him. 

He tries to call V but it goes straight to voicemail.

Vanderwood is on her phone when he goes back out. He sits at his computer, sees that she is still online, that there is a chat open. He grits his teeth, makes a decision. 

He has to push her away. He has to. Because he can't stop thinking about her, he can't stop watching her. She's already in danger with that and if she gets in closer, what will happen? How bad will it be?

She'll die. 

He has to protect her. 

She's so damn sweet, focusing on him, telling him not to worry. She's trying to comfort him.

He digs his nails into his palm.

Her tells her they aren't friends. They don't have a relationship of any kind.

He has to be cruel.

He has to protect her.

In the corner of his eye he sees her get up off the couch after she replies. He mutes the sound from that screen.

He keeps typing, trying to dig the knife in deeper. 

He refuses to look at the CCTV. Refuses to acknowledge she can't walk straight, that she needs to steady herself against the wall. 

He has to do this. 

She replies after she disappears into the bathroom. She's still so sweet, concerned for him and not herself.

He wants to hate her for it. He let's safe emotions show in the chat. 

He doesn't understand why she is so good. What did he do to have such an amazing person care so much about him? He doesn't deserve this.

He's a horrible person, who does horrible things. He is where he belongs. 

He turns the CCTV screen away from him. 

He gets to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is curious, the song is 'Moves Like Jagger' by Maroon Five.


	2. 70mg

He can see her out of the corner of his eyes. Well, her form. She's on the couch, curled under the blankets. He can see some of her hair poking out, so he knows she is there. 

He knows she is safe. 

It's the only thing keeping him sane. Everything is exploding around him, there is so much happening and his mind can't keep up, and honestly he wants to just have a break down. He wants to scream and cry and hit things. He wants to scream at V for not telling him the truth, for not answering his phone. At Vanderwood for not understanding how important the RFA is. At Yoosung for being such a child when he's in so much danger. 

He wants to scream at Saeran and beg him to talk.

But she is there, nestled into the blankets, and he knows, that despite his world falling apart around him, she is safe. That keeps him grounded. 

He's able to work, and that is what matters. He puts his head down and focuses on rewriting the code for the special security system. He needs to rewrite all of it, make sure it is completely different from anything he has done before. It is going to take days, at best, if he works nonstop. The first thing he works on is getting it back on line. It takes longer than he likes. 

When he opens the messenger to tell the RFA that he has the special security system is up and running, he is shocked to see she joins the chat. He looks over his shoulder with a frown. She hasn't moved or made a sound. He thought she was asleep. How long has she been awake? Has she slept at all? 

He has a feeling she hasn't. 

She honors his request to keep quiet about what has happened, and of course, she's far more concerned about him than she is herself. She convinces Zen to listen to him and he is thankful. He knows the actor would have kept bickering if she hadn't said anything.

He can feel a headache coming on and Zen is starting to annoy him with his insistent worrying and messages. It almost feels like it is too much. He doesn't want to snap at him, he doesn't deserve it. None of them deserve any of this trouble they are going through, it is all because of him. 

God, he hates himself.

He needs to get himself together. He needs a few minutes of peace where he can turn off his brain.

He needs a shower.

He gets up, and pauses as he passes the couch. He looks down, can see the crown of her head. See that her eyes are closed. Maybe she is finally going to go to sleep. He wants to reach out, run his fingers through the strands of hair that have escaped her blanket cocoon. He knows he can't and he clenches his fist by his side.

Being here, with her, is the last thing he wants, for that exact reason. He's going to fuck up, do something selfish, and put her in so much danger. If he shows her any kindness, let's her get close at all, then she will see his feelings, and she'll think they can be together. And they can't. 

He has to use this chance to push her away more. 

He forces himself to start walking again, going into the hallway and to the bathroom.

He's not sure what he was expecting the bathroom to be like. Perhaps clean, like the rest of the apartment. She always seems to be fussing with the kitchen. 

The bathroom is a mess. 

The mirror is shattered, everything that should be on the counters is strewn across the floor, the rail for the towel rack is bent and broken on the floor. There is dried soap or shampoo dripping down the shower wall and the trash can is lying on its side. 

He swallows thickly, trying to rationalize things. The hacker must have been in the apartment alone with her longer than he thought. Maybe they struggled in the bathroom, and he dragged her back or into the common area, and that was when he arrived. That made sense. It looks like there was a fight in the small room.

What didn't make sense is that she had done this. 

Why would she destroy the bathroom? She's never shown any indication of being that upset or angry. She's like Jumin, in a sense, she's got great control of her emotions. Except when it comes to him. She keeps mentioning her feelings for him. 

He wishes she wouldn't.

He cleans up the best he can; he straightens the trash, picks up everything up off the floor, he tries to fix the towel rack but it's fruitless. 

There is nothing he can do about the mirror.

In a sick way, he's grateful it's cracked. He can't see himself.

Once he gets the water running, he's able to close his eyes, tilt hits head back, and after a few moments, he can tune out. He focuses on the sound of the water hitting the tiles. Every time the thoughts start to come he finds something different to listen to; the water hitting the walls, the floor, how it sounds going down the drain, coming out of the shower head. He's not sure how long he stands there, doing nothing, before his head ache recedes. 

As he gets dressed, he realizes he hasn't brought any extra clothes. It doesn't matter, he thinks. 

He takes a long deep breath, gathers himself, and builds back up all of his walls, stronger than before. 

He can't allow her to even think about trying to break through them. 

She's sitting up, wrapped up tightly in her blanket and reading a book when he goes into the living room. He clenches his jaw and tells himself to not look at her face. 

They start talking, it's his fault. There is a line and he doesn't want to push her away by being rude. He tells her the truth. He just wants to work and to leave. He doesn't want to be alone with her. How dangerous he is. All she cares about is his comfort, what makes him comfortable and his emotional state. 

She's so damn kind and he has to keep his back to her or he will break. He'll break and go to her, wrap her up in his arms and make promises he can't keep. 

The sound of her voice is enough to make his walls tremble at the foundation. 

He remembers the night before, and summons the same harshness. He tells her he has no interest in her, she's living in a fantasy. 

He keeps his voice firm as he tells her not to bother him. 

He can hear her messing with her phone before he yanks his head phones up over his ears, not caring there is nothing playing.

He tries to call V, but once again it goes to voicemail. The man's service has never been this bad before, he doesn't understand. He texts instead, telling, begging V to please call him. They needed to talk, for so many reasons. 

He minimizes the RFA messenger so he can't see her online, talking to the others. He doesn't want to know what she is saying. Saying about him, about how horrible he is to her. 

He doubts she could be like that. She's too kind. An angel. 

He sees her get up in the reflection of his screen. She stays still for a few moments, wrapped in the blanket before slowly dropping it back to the couch and shuffling off down the hallway. 

He turns his eyes back to the code he was working on, starting to think of the next step when his fingers freeze. 

The sudden image of her throwing her fist at the mirror comes to mind. 

What if she had destroyed the bathroom herself? She could do it again. She could hurt herself doing it. It is amazing all the glass shards for the mirror stayed up, and weren't covering the ground. 

He's always seen her keeping everything straightened but she didn't seem to care about the state of the bathroom. Is it because there is no camera there? That he can't watch her there?

Has she been hiding her breakdowns like she hides her emotions, so he doesn't worry? 

He knows it is stupid and he knows he shouldn't, but he scrambles to get up and run down the hall as silently as he can. 

He can't work thinking that she might do something that ends up hurting her.

He can hear her talking softly, like she is having a conversation, but he knows she can't be. Her phone is out on the coffee table. 

He steps closer to the door. 

“...help me. I can't do this. It hurts.”

He frowns, not understanding her words. What can't she do? What hurts? Being near him? His words? More importantly, he wants to know who she is talking to. 

“Did you send him to keep me safe, God?” 

He stills, then slowly pulls his hand back from where it was going to the handle.

She's praying. He didn't know she was religious. She said nothing in the chat during the discussion of religion. He remembers it made her upset. He feels wrong hearing her words, like he is intruding on something extremely private. He's always prayed silently, but maybe she needs to voice it to feel like she is being heard. He touches his crucifix and asks God to listen to her and to help her. To help his angel on Earth, give her strength and take away the pain he is inflicting on her. 

He goes back to the living room, sits back in front of his computer, and gets back to work. 

He doesn't know how long she is gone, he wants to respect her privacy and her need to unwind. Even if he is extremely worried about her. He keeps his head down, his headphones up, gets lost in code. 

Sometime after sunrise, a plate of food is gently set on the floor by his laptop; rice and some left overs. He looks up in surprise. Sees her face.

Maybe it is because her has been watching her from the CCTV, which is from above, but he's never noticed the deep set circles under her eyes. They stand out with how pale she is, with her hair pulled back out of her face. Has she always been this pale? He can't remember. He's sure she had more colour yesterday. Or was she wearing make up?

Realizing he is staring, he turns his gaze back to the computer, trying to very pointedly dismiss her. He can't focus on eating, he has to work. He has to protect her. 

She stays for a heartbeat before walking away. He can see her go to the couch and flop down onto it from the reflection in his screen. He forces himself to not think of whether or not she has already eaten. 

It's almost mid morning when he first hears it; an insistent and annoying beeping. He tries to ignore it, but it feels like it is digging into his skull. He yanks off his headphones and whirls around, looking for the source.

It's her phone. Some sort of alarm, just buzzing away. She's sleeping through it, a small pout on her lips. 

He doesn't know why she would even bother with an alarm while being locked away in the apartment.

He starts to get up so he can turn the damn thing off when she slowly starts to blink awake. They stare at each other. 

He's never seen her so vulnerable, even when Saeran was trying to take her. She looks small under the large blanket, and her lips are still turned down. There's confusion in her eyes, maybe because she isn't fully aware of her surroundings. 

He tears his eyes from her face to look at the phone that is still going off.

“Oh...I'm sorry.” Her hand pokes out from her nest and grabs the device, silencing it with a push of the power button. “I've...started ignoring it since this all began. Since it is...useless.” She sighs and something he doesn't understand flashes across her face. He thinks it is fear or pain. “I should just discontinue it.”

For once, it's her who doesn't give him the chance to respond. She rolls over so her back is facing him and pulls the blankets tighter around her. 

He's curious, curious about what the alarm is for, why it made her upset. It's the first time he's seen her actually express something negative. He wants to learn more about her, about her life before she was involved with the RFA and why she is so guarded. 

But he can't know about her, just like she can't know about him. 

He sighs and sits back down, his train of thought for the line of code he was working on gone. He pushes his glasses up to the top of his head so he can scrub at his eyes. He needs to refocus, get back into the frame of mind to be coding. 

He decides to check the backlogs of the chats and his heart feels tight in his chest. She defends him, says how much she trusts him, and how the others should trust him. She's so kind, and he notices how she subtly changes the topics when people start to doubt him.

He sees that Jumin is online and that there is a chat going. He looks in before joining, sees them talking about coffee? 

She's polite to him, like he hasn't been a complete jerk since he's been here. 

If was to be honest with them, he wants Jumin to send bodyguards to protect her. He wants to get her somewhere she can be safe and with people who aren't as dangerous as he is. But that can't happen. She has to stay in the apartment and no one else can know where the apartment is. That is just how it has to be. 

And she trusts him. 

Jumin asks about the security system and he decides to not lie. 

He tells them it is a weapon.

That it is a bomb.

He can tell Jumin is shocked. Angry. But because it's Jumin, it is restrained. He can't tell if the anger comes from the fact Jumin didn't know or the actual situation. 

She isn't reacting.

She repeats that she trusts him. Both he and Jumin get upset. He wants her to tell at him, be upset. He didn't tell her she's been living with a bomb, that she could die if she opened the wrong drawer, and she trusts him?!

He hates how blasé she is about everything going on around her. She's in so much danger. Doesn't she cares?

Jumin wants to call him, probably to bitch him out and to try to convince him to move them somewhere safer. He's prepared to lie, say he can't talk, but God smiles at him and someone knocks on the door. He checks the security cameras, sees it is the repair man. He actually forgot he had ordered one. 

He tells her to come with him to answer the door. She seems reluctant. She shuffles after him, head down, and she all but hides behind him as he talks to the window repair man. He doesn't understand her sudden nervousness. She's always seemed so confident before. Is it because everything that is happening? Does she see this man as a threat?

Something protective surges in him and he turns slightly, straightens his back and squares his shoulders, trying to make himself look broader than he is. His jacket helps the illusion. 

She shrinks behind him, he can feel her fingers curl into the back of his jacket and the protective feeling flares again, warming his belly and his heart. 

He'll keep her safe. Always. 

Doesn’t she know that?

She follows when he leads the repairman to the window, and he gestures for her to go back to the couch. She lets go of him and moves to curl herself into the cushions, but freezes when the repairman coughs as he inspects the damage. 

She walks past the the couch and goes to the kitchen, getting as far away from the strange man in the apartment as she can without running to hide in the bathroom. She’s clutching her phone in her hand as she pretends to clean, and even with her face neutral, almost polite, he can tell she’s frightened. 

He doesn’t understand it, doesn’t get why this man is causing her so much distress. 

He moves his laptop to the kitchen table, so he can be closer to her, give her the sense he is still there, that he is going to keep her safe. There is the bonus that he can see the repairman working better from this angle. He switches between keeping an eye on the man and watching her through the reflection of his laptop, ignoring the fact his phone won't stop vibrating.

She ends up just standing in front of the sink, staring out the window. He wants to know what she's thinking, why there is a little frown on her lips. Is she angry with him? She should be. 

Replacing the window doesn't take nearly as long as he expects it to. Maybe it is because he's told the repairman he'll pay triple if it is done fast. 

He doesn't ask her to go with him to see the man out. When he comes back, she's standing in front of the new window with cleaning supplies, that little pout still there. 

She asks about his brother and it upsets him. He doesn't want to think about Saeran and the fact he almost kidnapped her. And she is so calm, looking at glass in front of her like she's more concerned about cleaning it than the fact she's living with a bomb. Why is she like this? Why isn't she angry with him? He asks her this, and she looks at him in confusion. Like she doesn't understand why she should be angry. How can she have so much faith in him?

She asks if he is avoiding her. 

He puts his headphones back on and goes back to sitting in his corner. 

He sees her sigh, then she starts to clean the window. He doesn't see the point of it, spraying and scrubbing the window like she is. Maybe she's a germophobe or she is just bored and needs something better to do than looking at her phone. 

Someone calls her and she disappears into the hallway to take it. He's able to properly focus when he can't see her, see the way she is so damn carefree when he has all these emotions inside of him. He's so angry and confused and he's hurt and he has to keep it all inside. He feels like he is going to explode soon, like he is the bomb. He knows he could handle it if he could just talk to V, but it feels like the man is ignoring him. He doesn't understand.

If he could just have some answers, he could do this. He feels like he's in the dark, scrambling around, and grasping for something, anything, and he's getting nothing. And sometimes, she comes in, brings a light, the potential for him to feel stable, but he can't hold onto her. 

As much as he wants to.

If he touches her, he'll taint her. He'll hurt her, he'll put her in so much danger just by being around her. 

He can never have that.

But she keeps on pushing, pushing him to talk and open up, and it hurts him so much. Why doesn't she see that?

Her just being there, looking over at him to see if he is okay, bringing him food. She is so good to him and he doesn't deserve it. 

He doesn't deserve her worry. 

He doesn't deserve any of it.

He grits his teeth, shakes his head, and turns his attention back to his work. It's the only good thing he can do for her. 

At some point his stomach starts to growl and he can't ignore it. He doesn't remember the last time he's eaten anything. At his house, he has chips he can graze on throughout the day, but here he doesn't have that. He won't be able to keep his mind on coding if his stomach is so grumpy with him. 

He gets up off the floor and makes his way to the kitchen. The leftovers are gone but he sees things he can use to make sandwiches. He likes tuna, so he makes a few of those, thinking he'll bring her one. 

He frowns after he makes two. She bought the tuna but she hasn't touched it at all. Maybe she doesn't like that sort of thing? He gets out the hard-boiled eggs and makes something out of those. But not everyone likes egg sandwiches. He really doesn't like them. 

He makes some ham sandwiches. 

He looks into the fridge and sees all the options for drinks and puts them out on the counter. 

It's not the most beautiful of spreads, but it's what they have, and she needs to eat as much as he does.

He calls out her name, picking up one of the tuna sandwiches and taking a bite. 

She doesn't respond. 

He takes another bite and walks toward the couch, thinking maybe she is asleep. He pushes lightly at the blanket lump, but his hand goes right down to the cushion. 

She's not there. 

He sets his sandwich on the counter as he passes it to go into the hallway. He knocks on the bathroom door. 

Nothing.

He opens it. The room is empty. 

His heart starts pounding in his chest, panic and fear gathering in his stomach. He whirls around and throws open the door to the bedroom, knowing she won't be in there. She hates the bedroom. 

Where is she? There is no where else in the apartment she can be. 

He runs back to the front room. 

Her shoes are gone.

He can't think. It feels like his mind just shuts down, all of his training going out the door. 

Where is she?

Where the hell is she?

And how long has she been gone? How did he not notice her leaving? Did she want to leave that badly? 

Why didn't she just say something?

Did he push her away that much?

He runs to his laptop, pulls up the security footage and starts rewinding until he sees her go out the door.

Seven minutes ago. She's been gone seven minutes. 

So much can happen in seven minutes. 

He thinks of a faceless man grabbing her, dragging her to Saeran so he can hurt her. 

His hands are shaking as he picks up the phone, dials her number.

She picks up and it takes everything in his power to not start yelling at her. How can she be so careless? Doesn't she realize how much danger she is in?

When he asks her where she went, her answer almost makes him drop his phone.

She left for him? Why? Hasn't he told her multiple times to not worry about him? Why did she risk her life to get him stupid chips?

He opens the front door, waiting for her to come out of the elevator. When it slides open he clenches his jaw, telling himself to not tlyell at her. 

She's had him so worried. 

She gives him a shy little smile when she sees him, and lifts her hands to show the two shopping bags she's carrying. 

He scowls.

He knows the is a convenient store next door, but how did she get so much in such a short time?

He steps back to let her pass through the door and watches as she goes to the kitchen to start unpacking. There are chips and candies, a few cans of orange juice, and a few bottles of pills. 

He follows her and picks up the nearest bottle; a multivitamin. 

He looks too her and holds up the bottle. “Is this necessary?” He asks, annoyance clear in his voice. He can't help it. “Is this worth risking your life?”

She gives him a strange look; she's hurt but also annoyed. She purses her lips and plucks the bottle from his hand, bringing it to her chest like it's something precious. She looks away from him.

“I'm sorry for worrying you.” 

She closes her eyes for a moment and when she opens them again, they are glassy. 

His heart drops to his stomach. 

He's been snapping at her on and off for the past day, and she has taken it all in stride. She's voiced that she dislikes his avoidance of conversation, but she's never shown it really. She went to pray after he was rude to her, but she didn't cry. 

He's never wanted to make her cry.

He hates himself even more. 

She takes the other bottles from the table and shuffles away, towards the bathroom. He almost follows her, to apologize, and ask why the vitamins are so important to her. But he doesn't, he knows he can't. This is for the best, pushing her away. She needs to understand that they can't be close.

He sighs, then takes one of the bags of chips and goes back to his computer. He's almost done stabilizing the special security system. It will take him maybe another hour, then he can start working on finding more information about the hacker’s location. 

He's had his head down for a little over half an hour when he hears her soft steps. He realizes then he hasn't put his headphones on. He listens to her walk around the apartment; she goes into the kitchen, opens and closes the fridge, then disappears back into the hallway. He wonders if she is hiding from him now; ashamed that she let him see her tears. 

Maybe he should be kinder to her. He's looked at the chats, saw how upset and hurt everyone is, read Jumin’s words, and they hit him hard. Harder than he expects. 

Because Jumin is correct.

She has it so hard, harder than all of them, even with his world crashing all around him. 

Tricked into coming into the apartment, brought into the RFA and given so much responsibility, living in a place that isn't her own and she can't leave, all while being in danger of someone trying to seriously harm her. And there is nothing she can do about it. 

At least he could do something about his problems. He can look for Saeran, he can run if he wanted to, he can protect himself. 

She's stuck in an apartment with someone who can't even look her in the eye.

He runs his fingers through his hair and makes the decision to not be so harsh. She doesn't deserve it, she's trying to make the best of a bad situation. All while caring about the other members so much.

He should apologize to her. 

He can start by finishing stabilizing the bomb. She has so much faith in him and he can't let her down. It is almost finished, so he pulls his headphones up and gets to work. 

It only takes him a few more minutes to finish, he was almost done when he got distracted. He feels like he should tell the others, because if he doesn't keep them updated then they will just keep worrying. He feels guilty for having made them worry in the first place.

He sees both Yoosung and Jaehee are online, so he creates a chat. 

Neither of them join, but she does. He wasn't expecting it, but part of him should have known. She seems to always find a way to him. 

He apologizes. It's over the messenger, but he makes it as sincere and heartfelt as he can. She is so understanding and so kind. 

She repeats to him what she has been telling the others. She is okay because he is here. He doesn't want to question her on it, he's using this opportunity to tell her how sorry he is. 

She doesn't blame him for anything. He thinks she never has.

He tells her his plans, on the vaguest way. He's surprised she wants to go with him. She knows how dangerous Saeran is and she isn't backing down. He wants to ask her is she really understands, but he doesn't.

Because in the back of his mind he is thinking about taking her. He doesn't want her out of his sight, he's the only one who can protect her fully. 

She comforts him in ways he never has expected. They are just words on a screen but they mean the world to him. 

Her words are the only thing keeping him grounded.

He tells her he needs to go back to work. He opens the invitation to call, a sign he isn't just going to push her away and ignore her again. He hopes she understands.

He hopes all of this will be over soon and that he can see her smile in person before he has to leave.


End file.
